For some, it’s the most romantic time of the year. Roses, hearts, and love are in the air. It’s time to show your significant other than you love them by buying them things and spending a bunch of money on a fancy dinner so y’all can take pictures of your chef-created entrees and post them to Instagram to get those sweet, sweet likes! Just kidding. This is the time of the year that a lot of people hate. In particular, men. I, myself, am a man, and there are some years where I’m all about it, and some years I absolutely hate it. Let’s fuel the hate.
So, gentlemen (and ladies who also hate Valentine’s Day), let’s talk about some hairstyles you can wear during your Anti-Valentine’s Day celebration.
We’re just going to start with my favorite. I’m pulling out all the stops. For Anti-V-Day (we’ll call it AVD for the sake of me crying everytime I type it out), my go-to ‘do is a nice, matted down, roll-outta-bed-and-not-give-a-you-know-what style. To get this style, on Valentine’s Day morning (but definitely not too early), you have to wake up and walk straight to the bathroom. Once you’re in there, look at yourself in the mirror with pure disgust, take both hands, pretend to rip your hair out (don’t actually do it), and then brush your teeth. From here, we won’t focus on your hair for the rest of the day. We also aren’t leaving the house. What we’re going for here is a real carefree gypsie vibe. We are free-spirited and don’t need to be in a relationship. We love ourselves. And we show that by giving ourselves an entire day full of wiry, greasy, unkempt hair. It’s relieving and refreshing, even if the smell of your hair isn’t.
After you brush your teeth, make your way to the kitchen, because you need coffee to get through this corporate-made, money-grubbing day. Yes, this is still part of the hairstyle. When that coffee is finally in your mug, you can begin to actually wake up by plopping down on the couch with your coffee and a bag of Cheetos. Grab the remote before you open that bag, you don’t want cheesy bits getting in all the buttons! Turn on Netflix, kick your legs back, and surf the endless Netflix catalog for the next hour, without actually choosing something. Brace yourself, because you’ve just searched all through Netflix’s seasonal choices, which all happen to be love stories that make you sick. What you’re going to do here is land on Gossip Girl. It’s dramatic, there’s love, hate, breakups, deceit, and a little mystery to the whole question “Who is Gossip Girl!?!?!” Plus, there’s enough episodes to last all day and then some. Rip open that bag of Cheetos and select “Season 1: Episode 1”, and get ready to be as lazy as possible for the day.
You’re on Episode 4 and enough drama has happened for you to get those cheesy fingers running through your greasy locks, adding to that beautiful, free-spirited hairdo! It’s mid-afternoon, and you look like you just got attacked by a rabid squirrel. It’s perfection. Who needs hairspray when you have enough natural grease in your hair to move it, shape it, or mold it any which way you want? The Cheetos aren’t going to be enough though, so get on that Postmates app and get you some down and dirty Chinese food. Americanized. None of that real stuff. We want all the MSG today, baby! You’re gonna splurge today. But only on yourself, and only on your calorie count. Because we aren’t leaving the house.
You finished season 1 of Gossip Girl. Somewhere in the middle, you took a nap after that Chinese food hit hard. Good thing the plot isn’t that great and you can literally pick up anywhere in the show and know what’s happening! It’s now 9PM. You can’t get on social media because of all the sappy posts. You’re Gossipped out, and you could really extend this nap for another 10-12 hours. So what you’re going to do now is wash the cheese off your hands, but not out of your hair. Brush your teeth one more time. Look at yourself with disgust again, but with a little more humor, because you know that once the sun rises, you’re back on your feet, hopefully in the shower, and moving on with your life! You’ve given yourself a day of grief. Now get yourself together and love life for the next 364 days until the next AVD! That’s actually the only acceptable hairstyle for Anti-Valentine’s Day (*crying*). It’s my favorite. My go-to. Feel free to switch it up and watch The Notebook for some real feels. But make sure you don’t fix that hair on AVD! Give yourself some freedom… and Cheetos.
Don’t have hair to fix on AVD? Perfect. Apollo Hair Replacement of Dallas/Fort Worth offers free consultations on how to help you grow back thinning hair or remedy your balding. Everyone deserves the opportunity to lose food in their hair when they hate V-Day, so call Apollo today. Get your hair back. Get your life back!
Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day (*crying again*)!
